Thursday, August 28, 2008

Hard to say goodbye...

I went to visit my father. I tried to prepare myself and thought I did a good job. When I walked into his room at the hospital, the once strong burly man I knew as my father was a frail, weak man. He looked more like my grandfather than my father.
He had a black eye from falling earlier in the week. He had tests and there were no serious injuries. More just bruising than anything.

He did not remember who I was. That was difficult. After being reminded he said he remembered but I wasn't sure. The second day we asked him again and he did remember and even said my name.

He was eating very well and even asked for more food after eating everything...and I mean everything, right down the the last piece of lettuce off his sandwich. We bought him some apple cobbler and ice cream from the cafeteria. Sugar free of course. He's diabetic. We took turns feeding him. I fed him dinner and my sister fed him dessert. He was growing tired and sleepy so we told him goodnight and that we would see him in the morning.

The second day we were there the nurses got him up to walk after breakfast, which he ate on his own. He had on his hospital gown and my sister, niece and I waited out in the hall behind a glass door so that he could take his walk without worrying about us, worrying about him. He used a walker and walked very slowly.
As he passed us, I could see the back of his gown..yes it was closed.....His legs were almost as skinny as mine. I am thin and petite. 5'1" 120 pounds. He has no muscle tone left. My dad was always a big hefty Italian man. He loved to eat and usually had a weight problem because of it. I think maybe the eating could have contributed to his heart problems. I have never seen my father so thin.

We left him with the nurse to take his walk and said our goodbyes until that evening. We received a call that they were releasing him to a nursing home as he can no longer be in assisted living. The hospital transported him to the nursing home and we met them there after they got him settled in. This would be my last time seeing him and it very difficult. I didn't want to leave him. I wanted to put him on a plane and bring him back to Tampa with me. I think I would have if he could travel. He cannot so I had to leave my dad there in the care of others. We said our goodbyes. It wasn't like in the movies where you tell the person all things you want them to know. We had to tell him goodbye like we would see him again sometime. I think he knew we probably wouldn't though. I kissed him on the head and told him I loved him. Walking out of that room was one of the most difficult things I have ever done in my life.
I know he is in good hands there...... until he is in the hands of someone else...above.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Dreams from MY Father




My father is in the hospital suffering from congestive heart failure. I am leaving to go see him for a few days. I am afraid if I don't, I won't get that chance.





He will be 78 in October. He worked more overtime at Dupont than anyone in the company's history the year he retired. He was just 52 when he retired. He retired with a house that was paid for, and no debt. The average American can't do that anymore.


He was a frugal man and spent his money wisely. My mother was ill for many years and died in 1996, leaving him alone since then. He never remarried, dated or really did very much with his life.

He did not travel. Never vacationed or even treated himself to dinner. He didn't have any friends he went out with. He basically lived day to day in his house with the dog and the cat.

He did enjoy cooking and would cook anything I requested when I came to visit. His father owned a restaurant/store. He learned to cook at an early age. I wish I had learned all that he knows about cooking, maybe I wouldn't hate it so much. As a child, there were many a Sunday I woke to the smell of his home made spaghetti sauce simmering on the stove. I may not have learned much about cooking from him, but he did teach me to be honest and that if I work hard, I will be rewarded.

Although he retired young and had money to pretty much do whatever he wanted....he didn't really do much. Piddled around in the garden, chopped wood for the woodstove he used to heat his house. (He had a brand new heating system put in, but said he refused to pay all that money for oil and watch it go into George W.'s pocket. LOL


Life for my dad seems to be coming to a slow end, and I want to be able to tell him goodbye. I am dreading this trip but I know I have to go.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

The Empty Nest




Well the big day has come and gone. Our only child has gone off the college. My husband got him moved into his dorm and all settled. Dad spent the whole day there sitting through orientation.


Des has some nice room mates and I hope he will enjoy his time there.

He isn't far from home. University of Tampa is about 25 minutes away from us. Its far enough but not too far that I can't jump in the car and be there in a flash if he needs me....which I don't think he will.

I have been preparing myself for this day for a long time. I thought it would be different. I thought I would enjoy the peace and quiet. No more electric guitar squealing from the bedroom. No more music playing in the office. No more getting up in the middle of the night for water....and hearing him writing his music late into the morning....
I miss him. I miss the noise....I miss the music. I think what I miss the most is him coming out to the lanai to tell me some random piece of history or scientific theory of which I have never heard. He is a bright, funny, witty young man. A young man who I have enjoyed raising...enjoyed being his mom.
I do for the first time in my life, feel a sense of accomplishment. I skipped college to get married, move to a foreign country and then meet the man of my dreams.( long story)...Anyhow....I didn't think I was college material back then. It scared me. I decided to marry (again) and have a family. Raising my son was my priority. It is something I have done well and with pride.
It's hard to believe he is all grown up, on his own and not needing his mom. Dad said when he unpacked...they all laughed at the first aid kit I packed, the tylenol and nose spray. The zip lock bags I packed for him. I tried to think of the things he wouldn't think to pack. But I bet when he needs those things...he will be glad I was there to remember it.
And even if he doesn't appreciate it now....he will later in life.....when he sends his own son or daughter off to college.
Well...until the weekend when, he runs out of clean laundry...and catches a ride home with my neighbor and best friend who works around the corner from UT...it will be just me, Dad and Maddie. At least I can still be a mom....even if its just to a JRT.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

I'm Hungry

I'm hungry. I hate cooking. I would rather have a root canal than to cook a meal. A nice frozen prepared meal is a my kinda meal. As long as it's healthy. My mother didn't teach me how to cook and I married and at 19 and moved to Spain. I had to learn on my own. I ruined many a meal. My husband doesn't mind cooking too much and what he prepares is rather tasty.

My son leaves for college tomorrow so I won't feel so guilty about not cooking every night. At least he will have a hot meal. University of Tampa has a nice cafeteria.
Some people love to eat. I however find it a chore. I would eat PB&J or cereal every night. A grilled cheese is another of my fav's. It's just food...something to put in my stomach so I don't waste away to nothing.
I am still hungry. The guys are waiting for me to prepare something...I can hear the frosted mini-wheats calling my name......

Fay...one word

Dud! But I am sure there are many people who are relieved including myself.

The Day for Fay

The day has arrived. Fay makes her grand entrance to Florida today. We have surgery today where I work but we cut the day short and should be finished by 1pm. Let's hope everyone gets home safely and Fay doesn't cause too much trouble during her visit. Everyone stay safe.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Waiting for Fay

It was almost 4 years ago that we were getting hurricanes every weekend. Tampa Bay has been lucky and it looks like we might sqeak by again.
I work for a dentist so we may have to close our office if it gets too bad, but I doubt that will happen.
We didn't put up the storm shudders nor did we get gas for the generator. If we lose power, I told my husband I will be a very unhappy camper. He insists we won't lose power. We better not.
So here we are, waiting for Fay. I hope she comes and goes quickly, and stays away from New Tampa.