Letting go......

I just let go of things in my life that I have no control over. It feels good. They are still there...hanging around...I know it...but I also know I have no control over them...so I just let them go. I know what I can fix or have control over now....What I can't fix or control.....is in someone else's hands...
I have no control over cancer.
I have no control over my son's decisions.
I have no control over whatever does or doesn't happen with my job.
I have no control over the oil spill.
I have no control over world peace.
I have no control over the critters in the attic.
I DO have control over my reactions to things....
I DO have control over my eating.
I DO have control over my happiness.
I DO have control over my home life.
I DO have control over myself.

Therapy is empowering

I have been to several therapy sessions now and it's doing a world of good for me.

Thursday night I met my husband at Ocean Prime in Tampa for drinks. There was a networking function hosted by a temp agency my husband's company uses. It was near the International Mall. I usually would have passed on the invite if I had to drive so far...but my therapist thought it was a good idea I go. I am glad I did. I had a good time. Was very tired afterwards and the drive home was a little stressful. I was tired, it was dark...I hate that combo when driving. Made it home safely and enjoyed the time with my husband and his friends from work.

Last night I lit a fire. Bob and I spent the evening sitting by the fire and listening to classic R&B.

Today I felt better than I have in years. It was a beautiful sunny day today. I was up early. Made my husband and I some eggs for breakfast. I ate two eggs, corn bread and coffee. I spent a short of amount of time on my laptop checking email and catching up on Facebook. I haven't been on much lately.

I had some errands to run so I jumped in the shower and got ready as I finished my coffee.

I went to the Vet and picked up Maddie's allergy meds. Then I went to Walmart and shopped a bit. The trip to Walmart didn't bother me so much today. I picked up some groceries and other things I needed. My sister, niece, nephew and his girlfriend will arrive from Virginia tomorrow evening for about 5 or 6 days to visit.

Once I returned home, I put away the groceries. I stripped all the beds and put on new sheets I had just purchased and washed the day before. The beds have nice crisp new linens. I love that. After doing that I cleaned the bathrooms, washed and vacuumed my car and conditioned my leather seats. I worked on my car for a good 2 hours. I had the radio blasting and sang and even danced while cleaning my car. The neighbors must have thought I finally lost it.

Bob came home after running some errands. We were both in sync with each other today. He picked up most of the things I forgot at the grocery store. How he knew I'll never know. He also picked up the phone and ordered a pizza. Just an hour or so before, as I was working on my car..... I was thinking of how much I would enjoy a slice of pizza.

When he returned from picking up the pizza, he and I chatted over a slice. We were both so tired. My body was starting to hurt after all the physical activity I had. Yesterday I worked out so my muscles were a little sore...but it felt good.

I jumped in the shower...again....and settled in for the evening. Bob and I watched a comedy show on HBO and our son Des came in with Oscar, his roomate from college. They are off for Spring Break.

I am feeling better about myself and my life than I think I ever have. I don't know if its a temporary high...but I enjoyed every second of today.

Facing your demons.

I've starteding counceling. My second session is tomorrow. The first one was gut wrenching and a sense of release at the same time. Its hard to face your demons. It's the only way though. Keeping them locked away for safe keeping just allows them to continue killing you from the inside.
I honestly am not looking forward to tomorrow's session. It's too painful. It's like knowing you have to have surgery to make yourself well, but you know the surgery is going to hurt like hell.
Give me a pillow to hold when I cough.

My bubble

I have this bubble I go into when I feel stressed. It protects me from the rest of the world out there. I guess I have been in my bubble for a couple months. I make an appearance on a rare occasion. But most of the time, I am still mentally in my bubble, though I could be in a room full of people.

I am having some weight issues. No appetite. I weigh 104 pounds soaking wet. I try to eat but am never hungry.

I'm trying really hard to keep the weight on....but it's difficult when you are a nervous wreck and have no appetite.
Maybe I need a hobby.
Anyhow....for now......back in my bubble I go.

Vacation, allergies,Thankgiving

It's been a while...I know....
I have been on vacation for 2 weeks. It's been heaven. Staying up late, sleeping past 5 a.m. No screaming kids (unless you count the two times I forced myself to enter Walmart's doors). And no bitching parents. I ate better also. Gained a pound then lost it. Whatever.

Bob and I went to Clearwater for a few days. I watched the sunset (my only real reason to go) enjoyed the beach, the spa. It was only for a few days but it was nice to get away.



The mulch is all gone and the rock is in....Maddie is still itching....All that work for nothing...but hey, no more mulch to replace year after year. Took her back to the vet the day after Thanksgiving (more on Thanksgiving later). Vet put her on another round of antibiotics and some stronger antihistamines. The Vet said I can up the dosage to one whole pill if its not too "sedating" Surely you jest.....Too sedating? for Maddie? NEVER. So far, not sure if I see a difference or not. Have to give it another couple days. She likes the fact I put her pills in vienna sausages. She doesn't like "the helmet" she has to wear.



Thanksgiving was nice...went to Bob's brothers. Spent the day with family and some really great friends, one of whom has cancer also and is fighting it with everything ounce of his soul. He looked exhausted and the treatment has taken it's toll on him, but he has such a positive attitude. He's an inspiration to anyone with cancer. Brain and Ureter Cancer. Enough said I guess. The doctors did say his tumors had shrunk and he may be able to return to work in January.

It's back to work tomorrow for me. Other than the screaming kids...I look forward to getting back on schedule. I have my lunch packed and in the fridge, ready to go. Hopefully at 5 a.m when that alarm goes off, I will still feel like going back.
Wish me luck.

A new car

I bought a new car. We were looking for a good used car for our son...and I thought, "I have a good used car"...excellent condition, 3 years old. No marks on it anywhere..Perfect condition and I have every service record on it.
So, Des bought my car and I bought a new one.
Got a great deal on it. Love the color etc. It's a 2009 Hyundai Sonata Limited. It's loaded. I have never owned a car this nice. I guess the good stuff is worth waiting for.

Maddie, cars and stuff.

I figured out what is causing Maddie's allergies. Well, at least I think I know what it is. Mulch. Red. Died. Mulch. It's horrible. She breaks out..comes in itching, red..scratching, biting. I have to bath her and wipe her when she comes in.

We are going to get all the mulch out of the yard this week and replace it with rock. She won't like it..but hopefully,no more itching.

Looking for another car for Des. The one he has just isn't working out. I hate buying cars.

Bob bought a new truck last weekend. Went in, looked at one truck. Said this is the one I want, sat down, made a deal, it was done.
He makes it look to so easy.

We found a car for Des yesterday with low miles, good price. Bringing our mechanic to look at it.

I am still trudging along at work. The doctor thinks she has a buyer for her house. So that is step one in the process of getting to Dallas. Now she has to keep on finding a buyer for the practice.
Wherever it leaves me...with or without a Job, I will stay until the locks are changed and they ask me to leave. Just depends on if the new doctor already has a staff.

Otherwise, life is good...still.
Oh and one more thing...I discovered John Legend....I'm in love.... :)

Dad and other stuff

Dad is back in the hospital. Retaining fluid from the congestive heart failure. He seems to always bounce back from these things. I am hoping he does this time too.
His 79th birthday is next month, October 4th.
Other than Dad's relapse, life has been good.

Work is busy.

Bob is great, coaching 4 girls now in softball. He is hosting a golf tournament for the United Way thru Citigroup, next Friday. It's his third year organizing it and hosting it.

Des is in his second year of college and likes his new roomies. Gets his cast off the 7th of October. (hopefully)

Maddie has some sort of allergy that is driving me nuts. Itching, scratching. Tried benedryl. Short of allergy tests and shots....there is nothing else I can do.
Otherwise....life is good.

Life is good....but why?

I know I haven't posted in a while. Just not in the mood. I have been thinking about my life....It's good. I don't have a million dollars or a maid...or a cook...but overall, life is good. I have been thinking about why my life is good. There are others out there less fortunate than I am. I am thankful for all I have but think sometimes I am not thankful enough or don't deserve it. I wonder why I was chosen to have a good life. My life hasn't been perfect. There were rough times. But overall it's been good. I think I think too much.....

The week ahead and update on Des....

Desmond had his surgery. Anyone who sees me on facebook should already know. I was so bored at the hospital, I was updating facebook every 5 minutes it seems. Hope I didn't bore anyone.

I have to be at the MOSI tomorrow for a Back To School Thingy. Representing the pedatric dental office where I work.......I volunteered.....must have had a bad day that day or someone drugged my coffee. It's like waking up after you have slept with someone and realizing "OMG this was a mistake". Kids get on my nerves and I hate crowds. There's supposed to be thousands of visitors there tomorrow.
So if anyone happens to be at the MOSI, stop by booth #7. Third floor of the Main Building. I will bore you to death with "don't put your baby to bed with a bottle, Start flossing at age 3 blah blah blah. It's like reciting the abc's to me. I just say it and not think about it.

I leave Thursday for N.J. Spending a few days with friends from my high school graduating class of 1982. Looking forward to getting away with Bob, and spending time with people I havn't seen since June of 1982. I got married and moved to Spain. Most of my friends went on to College or working. I lost contact with quite a few.

I will post some pictures of the event. We are meeting for drinks with a few classmates at DiPaolo's Italian Restaurant the night before the big bash, in Penns Grove, New Jersey.

http://dipaolos.wordpress.com

http://www.dipaolosrestaurant.com

It was a little Italian Deli where they made the pizza's right in front of you. You could get pizza, cheesestakes and subs. For dessert, Pizzelles, Italian cookies, Cannoli. My dad worked with the owner when he was working at Dupont. It was family owned and run. I have bought sandwiches there so many times, I can't even begin to count. It was the only place we got our pizza and cheesestakes. Most of the time we bought our subs there, sometimes Pheffers in Carneys Point, New Jersey. They both used Prioli's rolls.

Prioli's was a small Italian bakery in Penns Grove, NJ that sold round rolls, long italian loaves and smaller sandwich rolls. You could also get sub sandwich rolls. I tried and tried to get my dad to buy the place when it was for sale but he said he didn't like the business part of running a business. He would just go in and bake or cook and be happy. So I suggested he just buy the recipe and open a place in Virginia when they moved there in 1983. He could have someone to manage the business end and he could bake. He said no.....years later I heard him say, "I should have bought that recipe for Prioli's. We can't get a decent sandwich roll down here." I reminded him of what had said.

We went to our favorite little Italian place for dinner tonight. Pizza Mania in Wesley Chapel, FL. It has the best pizza, subs, steak sandwichs. The owner is from NJ. I was thinking about how much I missed my dad's cooking. He was a great cook and would spend hours in the kitchen stirring, mixing, baking. He would make his own sauce for Spaghetti every Sunday. He would start it at 8:00 a.m. and let it simmer all day. He would fry or bake some pork chops and put in the sauce. By the time the sauce finished the pork chops were so soft and soaked in the sauce. His Spaghetti and Meatballs was the best.

Dad is doing much better. Eating better, walking better. Just so much better. We moved him from Kentucky to Virginia the last weekend in July. We hired an ambulance service to transport him so they could moniter him. He did well during the trip. My sister was there when he got there to get him settled in. She's been there almost every day since. I wish I lived closer. I am planning on driving up for Thanksgiving so I can spend it with my dad. I havn't spent one with him in years. I think the last one was 1982. They were still living in New Jersey.

I love reminising about my life in Penns Grove. There are some great memories there.

Just another day in my life....

My son has been complaining of wrist pain...so I took him to an orthopaedist. Diagnosis: Fractured wrist. Three years ago...we had no idea. He just thought it was sprained. Surgery is August 12th. A Bone graft is necessary. And they have to remove scar tissue.
The fun in my life continues.......
I have a bacteria in my stomach that requires me to take 8 pills a day for the next 2 weeks. The pills make a nasty metalic taste in my mouth....
I am up to 17 pills a day including my vitamins and other RX's.
Work is crazy with all the parents wanting to get their kids in before school starts.Its really stressful right now.
When is it going to end?

The lost art of writing

Now what?

I started not feeling well last week Wednesday. Gnawing knot in my stomach, nauseous. Left work early.....Thursday: Returned to work, gnawing still in stomach, nauseous. Came home, ate and had severe stomach pain all night. Friday: Worked half day, no patients. Was tired but felt ok. Still nauseous though. Saturday 3 p.m.: Severe stomach pains, so severe I ended up at the Drs. Walk In Clinic and then the emergency room. Diagnosis: Ulcer. Taking some meds for it.

Followed up with my Doc today and I have to have some testing done for some bacteria. She thinks I could have picked it up in the Dominican Republic.....yeah, that place from hell I vacationed at back in October. Great...
So, I have to do some tests and if it is positive, I have to take massive doses of antibiotics and then take massive doses of ulcer meds.
I am taking it in stride as I am so relieved to be out of pain.

Long time no post

Sorry, I went out of town to see my dad. I had posted earlier that he had fallen and was injured.

He is frail and can not feed himself very well. He falls asleep very easily and needs the help of two people to walk. He fell asleep while my sister cut his hair.
His head injury is healing nicely on the outside. The injury to his brain, well....hopefully..... that will get better.

He has trouble swallowing and is on a diet of thickened liquids to prevent him from getting choked. He is also on a soft diet. The speech therapist that helps him with the swallowing said she is upgrading his diet this week to nectar thick liquids and a more solid food diet.
I hope he starts eating more. He only takes tablespoons of food. Not very much.

Not much in the mood to post but wanted to update.

Just Shut the Fuck Up

And this is just part one.

">


I have never heard such a mess of the English language in all my life. Well, Mike Tyson is pretty bad too :)

Anyhow...I know Kate will have to drink heavily to get through all that.

It just keeps getting better

dropping like flies

It seems we are surrounded by death lately. Ed McMann, Farrah, Michael, Fred Travalena and Billy Mays..... also some actress from the 50's. She was like 87 so that wasn't so bad.

Farrah had cancer, Ed McMann was old. Fred Travalena also had cancer....
But Michael and Billy?

Billy wasn't anyone I grew up listening to. (Thank God because he did get on my nerves a bit.)
Michael on the other hand.....he will be missed. I loved the Jackson Five as a kid and as a teenager listened to Off The Wall and Thriller about a million times.

The discos in Madrid were filled with his music. The dance floors were full whenever his or Maddona's music started to play. Even though he started getting weird by 1987, I still loved his music. Most of all, I loved watching him perform as a kid. He was so smooth. Sung with his heart and never missed a step.

Living in Spain, there wasn't much on TV we as Americans could watch. We depended on VCR and video taped movies or shows from the U.S.
We had some friends who's family had taped the Motown 25th Anniversary show where Michael performed that famous moon walk. They mailed it to them and it was passed around and around. Everyone I knew wanted to watch that video.

Though I already knew about his death, when NPR officially announced it on WUSF 89.7 I felt sick to my stomach and cried. I still was in shock and couldn't believe what I was hearing. It was like a very bad dream.

I did not know of his addiction to painkillers. I don't even recall him to going to Rehab as I read in the news following his death. I guess I wasn't paying attention.

I always told my son, "Michael was the man when I was a teenager". My son loved playing the guitar solo in Beat It. There were many times I would come down the hall to hear him rocking out in his room playing that song.

I am disappointed we will never find out if his "comeback" would have truly been a comeback. I hope if there is a heaven Michael, John and George are up there comparing notes and making music together.

My Dad

Sorry I haven't posted pics and info about my trip. My dad fell and hit his head. He has 15 stitches and a fractured C6 vertebra. Not to mention Pneumonia and has no idea where he is or why. He's in the hospital.
But my trip was great and I have a great story to tell with nice pics. I will post my story and pics soon.
Until then, see you facebook.

All work and no play

Leaving tomorrow morning at 5:30 a.m. for a dental convention in Orlando. Not really looking forward to the work part. Mostly seminars. But...looking forward to a weekend away, eating, drinking and not having to pay for it. Oh yeah, and all the freebies. Post more later.

Endorphins

Recently my husband added me to his gym membership. Today was the first day I went. I did 40 minutes on the treatmill at 3.5 mph at a #3 incline.
When I finished, I felt so great. It was like I had slept 20 hours none stop. I felt refreshed. I felt invigorated. I felt "high". It was very strange.
I know exercise can do that, but it's the first time I have ever felt that way.
It was a great feeling and I can't wait to go back. The people there were friendly and helpful. They have everything there you could possibly need. Its a great facility.

Speechless

I haven't had much to say lately. Work starts getting busy this week as school has let out and all the kiddies are available to come in for treatment or a cleaning.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penns_Grove
(I couldn't get this wiki page to embed. Don't know why. Copy and paste I guess.)

I booked tickets to fly up to my hometown of Penns Grove New Jersey (Home of Bruce Willis, he went to my high school), for a reunion barbecue type get together with some classmates. It's in August. It's going to be so freaking hot. August in Jersey can be as bad as it is in Tampa.

I hired a housekeeper but my dog would do a better job of cleaning, so I won't be having her back. My son claims he will do it so we'll see how that goes. He is supposed to be starting a job in the next week or two at a local pizza place.

My dog went to the vet yesterday for her shots, check up etc. She passed all the tests. She has been itching a lot lately so the vet told me to give her benedryl. So she takes benedryl 3 times a day. It hasn't helped much yet. I just started it yesterday. She is also getting Omega 3 oil once a day. It helps keep their skin and coat healthy. She is much calmer with the benedryl though. Which is a good thing. :)

My husband bought me a gym membership. My doctor cleared me so I can start any time I want. I may go with my husband after work this week. I haven't worked out in a long time. (weights) I have no upper body strength. I want Michelle Obama arms. That's my goal.

I don't have her good genes so we'll see how this goes.